the day is fast approaching

the one year anniversary! eek! we made it! i can't believe it! if we can survive the past year of what we put each other through we can survive anything! We have our final test the next two years apart thats our test. He's getting the house, he's got the great job, and he's starting school. and i'm going back to chatt. it's gonna be so much harder for me than it is gonna be for him i'll miss him every second of everyday!

Nick,

you are the love of my life. you are the man i want to be the father of my children. i love you with every fiber of my being. i can't see what life has to throw at us next only a week and a half and we'll have a real anniversary and a house to ourselves! i love you baby and goober does too!

i swear one day i am gonna leave and never come back

i cant give and not get anymore its not fair to me at all you never ask but you have to have the things i give to survive well you know what so do i.

check your attitude at the door i didnt do anything to deserve any of that and you can apologize all you want to but this time im not forgiving until it changes apologies are just words if the actions dont change

i wasnt kidding when i said that we arent do that anymore i let my guard down again to only put it right back up again

i wish you could hear yourself

im not perfect and i dont claim to be and i never will but damn how much do i have to deal with to stay

I always egg it on apparently well asking me to do something when you ask with anger and resentment in your voice will only cause me to get angry too always has and you know it.

i wish you could see that im not crazy

i didnt drag family in all i asked for was my car nothing to do with this you were ignoring me and i did need my car

one more time one more of this and im not gonna be able to stand up and fight anymore you will win and i will give up and become a little mouse that doesnt say a word and you know what sucks i think you would prefer that if i didnt say anything. i through with the mask that im wearing its coming off this is it

its now or never its all or nothing im taking the risk to gain the reward make your choice change your actions but dont change you ill fix my problems but not until you fix yours

yesterday was mine and nick's eight months we never ever do anything for our anniversaries mostly cause we don't have money but also cause i have to come up with something to do not only in the day to day but every month its getting irritating we are back to having the same old fight over and over again again. but its not about the same thing anymore now its about quality time since i've mostly lost my friends or don't have the same interests as them anymore he is all have and it sucks but its true but everytime we hang out its either at tech where i have none of his attention, in a group, or we watch a movie that nine times out of ten he falls asleep during. we go out to eat when we have money but its just seeming to not be enough. Am I wrong to think that way? am i wrong to want his attention and all of his attention and for him to not fall asleep and to not have to come up with something to do? is it wrong?

well i've gotten a lot of the same advice since my last post and thank all of my wonderful friends for giving it. life is still very stressful but i am going to try my best to focus on school right now and nothing else. i need to get my grades back up before i decide anything else. I have been praying about school about where i should go first of all and then what i should really be doing and i am just going to put it in God's hands totally if Chatt is where i am supposed to be when i send my transcript after this semester i will get in and everything will just fall into place and if memphis is where i am supposed to stay then things will fall into place there too. i am going to put this out there though cause if i don't try and have a place to live it won't happen unless God majorly steps in. To all my girls in chatt if you need a roommate let me know nick nor my mom would let me live with boys so thanks for your fab offer thomas but they would throw a fit lol but i love you. Like i said if its meant for me to come back then God will provide the place to live and let things fall into place. Speaking of i need to find a new church to go to everytime i went back to central north i just felt like i had to make an excuse for not being there and that i was being judged. i love that church and i love the people and the teachers i have grown up there and know how much they all care for me but i think God has another plan for me so keep that in your prayers for me to wake up and get the courage to go out of my comfort zone to a new church. I have an econ test today that i am about to go study all day for since it is a night class i hope i can to well last test i thought i understood everything and was gonna at least get a B but turns out when i got the test back i didn't understand at all im gonna try real hard this time but if anybody is good at econ and can help me with the class that would be great i am about to pay for a tutor cause i just don't get it. You always hear that college isn't for everyone and in someways i don't think it is right for me but what choices do i have if i don't stay in school i just need to find my place and give myself a goal and reach it and make lists of things to do and stick to them. i need motivation hand i n hand with fun instead of living the boring life i live right now. its really sad but savs asked me the other day what i was gonna do for my birthday this year since i always do something and i love birthdays and i had to answer nothing i don't want to plan anything i just don't feel like it and i feel out of place with all of my friends here now and its partly my own fault for neglecting them but i also just don't enjoy the same things they do anymore. i don't want to go to a frat house and drink or go to a club and dance in theory i do like it all sounds so fun but when the day comes i just don't want to go. i guess its harder for me to feel comfortable doing those things when i have a bf that is not exactly a social butterfly. I miss my friends and i miss game nights and volleyball nights and all of that. i really do. I just wish i could be on the same page as them and enjoy what they do now but im just not. i miss having everybody over to my house and just hanging out none of this need to drink or dress a certain way just hanging out. i miss my life in a way. like it was in high school i always had something to do once i got involved and i miss it but life will never be that way again i gotta do something about it to make my life worth living now. the whole theme of this is that i need to find out what i need to do for me in just about every aspect of my life. i probably need to speak to a counselor or something i don't know.

ok took a long absence from writing i know. I am just completely freaking out beyond belief. first of all i am afraid i am going to fail econ again this semester and that i am going to get kicked out of school its just making me really scared. i am going to ask about a tutor but i don't know how much it will help. Also again school where i am going to go next year. the truth is that i would love to be back in chatt but i don't have anyone to live with and dont want to be by myself. Nick isn't really a factor but the people i want to live with all have boyfriends and well i again dont want to be by myself. I also may not get back in with where my grades are right now i just dont know what to do. I just hate U of M. Also, my dad was in the hospital all weekend and that scared me but he got to go home today. Finally, the biggest thing freaking me out right now, Nick. He was staying at the house for like the past month and he moved out yesterday and now for the first time in my life my house doesn't feel like home anymore. I cried all last night and couldn't stop because i knew he wasn't downstairs and i missed him so much. I want to live with him but some part of me isn't ready and also knows that it would kill my mother and she might not pay for school but nick said that we would do whatever we needed to do. I've lived my life in fear of letting my mom down and living life the way she wants me to and now I am way too scared to break out of that i know i should but i don't know if i can make myself and that scares me even more. i don't know what to do. Nick and i have also been fighting a lot again and i think why i am so upset is that i am scared that things will go back to the way they were when they were really bad. I'm freaked that now that he doesn't live with me that i'll have to make all the effort and he won't be around anymore and that he won't treat me right. He said it himself that he loves me and i know that he just needs to learn to show it more, but i'm guessing he won't cause i've lost a lot of faith in him in that department he keeps saying he'll do certain things but he doesn't follow through he told me to give him a chance to prove himself and a chance to give me what i need and put me first. i guess we'll see but i'm just mixed with emotion one hand i feel like we are slipping and the other i feel like he is my world. Right now I'm just not happy and i can't seem to get on the right track to being happy again. i need help.

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so the life of Michelle has been crazy lately. boring but crazy. here is the key change i may not be going back to chatt now after the other weekend i just dont feel like i fit anymore plus i don't have anyone to live with. So big thing in my head is that i don't know what i want to do anymore like i really dont and it scares the heck out of me. for school and a career and just life in general. I am taking a theatre class right now and i absolutely adore it i would love to get a job in theatre but not very likely. its just like my passion for music; a job is just too hard to get. why is it that everything i am passionate about is too hard to break into and is either you make it or you dont. you make money or school was a waste. its just really scary to be honest. i've thought about being a therapist or something but when i took a class it was way to hard and i thought about education and teaching history but the education program in the history department of both chatt and memphis is definately lacking. im gonna go take a career test right now and will come back to update shortly

i talked to some people today and just realized that people have forgotten why we are at war thats why i changed my song on my profile. i had to put out a little reminder. there were two choices of songs i wanted to put on here one is the one i put on here but the other one was a reminder of what our soldiers go through over there and when they are at home they get no respect and deserve so much of it so i am putting the lyrics to both songs here please take the time to read them and remember what this country has been through

I hear people saying we don't need this war
But I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground
We didn't get to keep 'em by backin down
They say that we don't realize the mess we're gettin in
Before you start your preachin let me ask you this my friend
Have You Forgotten
How it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire and her people blown away
Have you forgotten
When those towers fell, we had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten
They took all the footage off my TV
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger, that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it everyday
Some say this country's just out lookin for a fight
But after 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right
Have You Forgotten
How it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire and her people blown away
Have you forgotten
When those towers fell, we had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And we vowed to get the ones behind bin Laden
Have you forgotten
I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet that they remember, just what they're fighting for
Have you forgotten
All the people killed
Yeah, some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten
About our Pentagon
All the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten
Have you forgotten
Have you forgotten


First thing I did when that plane finally landed was kiss the ground;
The next thing I did was to go find my friends down at the old hang-out.
We drank some beer and talked a lot about old times
But when the booze finally hit Billy Joe Grimes
He said, "I don't know what it is but you seem different to me."


I said, "I just came back from a place where they hated me and everything I stand for;
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care any more.
If I'm not exactly the same good old boy that you ran around with before,
I just came back from a war.

The very next morning I took a walk through the neighboorhood.
I thought it's been so long since Ive been in a place where everything is good;
People laughin' and children were playing,
And as I watched them I found myself praying,
"Lord, keep them safe here at home in the land of the free"

'Cause I just came back from a place where they hated me and everything I stand for;
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care any more.
If I'm not the same little freckled-faced boy that grew up in that house next door,
I just came back from a war.

I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price.

I just came back from a place where they hated me and everything I stand for;
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care any more.
Chances are I never will be the same, I really don't know any more,
I just came back from a war

I just came back from a war.
You don't know me, you don't know me...
I just came back from a war.
You don't know me, you don't know me...

here's to our troops and our country and all it stands for. i pray everyday that God's will will be done and if a life is taken they go down as a hero for fightting for my freedom and my priviledges and i thank every last one of you!

80 Things You Might Not Know About Me

Whats your middle name? michelle but my first name is dyan

How big is your bed? QUEEN
What are you listening to right now? tv

What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? 9414
What was the last thing you ate? ham cheese and crackers
Last person you hugged? nick..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

How is the weather right now? really cold

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? nick

Favorite type of Food? fondue

Do you want children? yea later once I get married

Do you drink? not really

Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? yes and never again
Hair color? brown.

Eye colour? hazel

Do you wear contacts/glasses? both

Favorite holiday? christmas

Favorite Season? fall

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? yea nick and yesterday

Last Movie you Watched? alex and emme

What books are you reading? lol harry potter

Piercings? ears only

Favorite Movie? tombstone

Favorite college football Team? ut vols for football and ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Memphis tigers for basketball

What were you doing before filling this out? trying to sleep
Any pets? yes a pug named mandy that I adore

Dogs or cats? dog

Favorite Flower? have a couple star gazer lilies, orchids, roses

Have you ever loved someone? oh most definately I am in love right now
Who would you like to see right now? nick and britt to congradulate her

Have you ever fired a gun? no

Do you like to travel by plane? yea

Right-handed or Left-handed? right.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Hawaii to see barry

Are you missing someone? yes.

Do you have a tattoo? not yet

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? if I wake up

Are you hiding something from someone? no

ARE YOU 18 no 19

WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? weird design
DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? no

FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING? nick
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE? remote.

GRILLED OR FRIED? grilled

WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? my personality

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? yes

FAVORITE HANGOUT? anywhere with my friends.

3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? God, Family, Nick

FAVORITE SONG? don't have one right now

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? spiders

ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? giver

WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? mishy mishy, shell

WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME? michael

WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME? annete

STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING? nick
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? the one about diamonds where this young couple passes the old couple hold hands in the park

WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER? cingular

FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? my dog



WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU? cell and keys

WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ballarina

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11? kiss my hand and touch the clock and make a wish
THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEETS? golden yellow

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED? nick

to you,

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?